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Breaking a Shame Curse © 2009 by George Hartwell M.Sc. (About George - professional therapist, Professional-practice-home Christian-Sex-Therapy-home, Christian Marriage Retreats)
A shame curse is strong messages of rejection and negation by a significant group - one's family or peers. The words and behavior of this reference group has the same effect as a curse. It also leaves one with the feeling that one does not have the right to exist; that is what is meant by shame.
A family (church, work place, school or village) throws a 'shame curse' when they treat a person as if they do not belong. Sometimes the youngest child is given no voice in family matters even when they grow up. There opinions, decisions and wisdom is given no value, wieght or honour.
Being treated by a reference social group as if you did not belong, with little or no say and very little honour or value is the shame curse in action. It is a failure of love. It is a failure to uphold you, encourage you and love you to life.
The shame curse is a message from those who should by life-giving; instead they send a message of death. Shame curses send messages to the target victim. Whether intended or not the message is to die rather than to live. Shaming is a death curse whose poison brings a person down and 'curses' them to less than the abundant life that Jesus brings and God intends.
Curses direct energy toward a person that is the opposite of the positive energy of love. It is the negative destructive energy of hate. Sometimes this hate is related to envy or jealousy toward a competitor or rival. Hate is the energy of the dark side; the energy of killing and destroying.
Both the intent and the effect of curses is to tear down someone, to destroy them, to humiliate, to call down punishment upon them, to get revenge. This is like the intent of the one - the thief - who Jesus said is out to rob, kill and destroy (John 10:10).
I have complete discussion of the definition of a curse under: What is a curse? See also HealMyLife.com: what is a curse?
Parents have been given the gift of life by God. God's very breath and Spirit gives us life. Parents have the delegated responsibility to act like god and continue to breath life into their child. Their love, their touch, their words, the home they create give breath to their child.
A parent betrays this trust when they withdraw life support from their child. They take their child's breath away with their rage, their hostility, by creating a home without safety and love.
1. Loss of the Right to Life: The shame curse begins to create the core belief that one does not have the right to live. A child so betrayed by his or her parents begins to lose the confident sense that they have a right to life; that their life has tremendous worth before man and God. They may become apologetic about their existence. They say: "I am sorry" way too much as if opologizing for their existence.
While a shamed person will 'apologize for living' a loved person will not. Love relationships have affirmed their right to be alive. They have healthy self-esteem; will value themselves. .
2. Taking Blame for Abuse: Shame issues can come up when an abuse victim talks about the belief that "I am to blame for what had happened."
3. Not entitled to Good things: The shame core belief results in the loss of any sense that you are entitled to good things. The victim begins to expect bad things to happen in their life. This comes out when you say: "I don't deserve good things." "I don't believe I deserve happiness." Or I deserve a "rubbish" life. This can result in self punishment, accepting bad things, living with injustice, self-sabotage.
Christians may dwell on the idea that they have committed the unpardonable sin. Not true by the way, it just becomes an obsession because of the experience of living subject to the shame curse and developing the core belief that you are bad and do not deserve good things.
4. Loss of Hope: Loss of hope is the loss of the belief that life is good, that God is good, that people are good and that it is a blessing to be alive; that "all things work together for good to those who love God." Romans 8:28.
Breaking the shame curse is not a one time action. It cannot be done on the surface because the core beliefs will be deeply imbedded. It requires therapy that takes some time to identify the core beliefs and the experiences they are rooted in. Prayer therapy should go through experiences at different ages in the person's life to root up the core beliefs with God's revealed truth through Listening Prayer Therapy (a form of professional prayer counseling).
The concept of the "Shame Curse" may be an original one so here are some reflections on how I began to think about this.
As a prayer therapist I have been publishing ways to deal with curses especially using the Jesus in Between Prayer. This has required me to think about and define what is a curse.
As a couple therapist (marriage counselor) I help life partners establish life-giving relationships and heal or exit non-life-giving relationships. This has required me to think about and define what makes up a life-giving relationship and the opposite, which we can call a shame-based relationship.
Put these two interests together and I begin to talk and write about relationships that are like curses. The 'shame curse' is the traumatic effect of every relationship with life partners (family) that is not life-giving.
This discussion can be tested Biblically in terms of the description of the kind of relationship that God wants with His people. John 15 - the Vine and the Branches - is one such biblical description.
The same terms and concepts used in this discussion can be used of a religious group, of a local church, of a denomination. The discussion can be broadened into whether work places are life-giving or not, whether villages (local communities) are life-giving or not and whether nations are life-giving or not. However I will focus on family relationships - the family a child is raised in and the love relationship with our life partner in adulthood. What we call marriage is what the Book of Genesis describes as a "man leaving his mother and father and cleaving to his wife."
Shame relationships take away one's right to be alive. One is not encouraged and affirmed by shame relationships. This can happen through sexual abuse or by a family system that does not value your ability, your opinion or your contribution. You are over looked by the other members of the family or your peer group.
Peer groups may avoid a peer, may throw in verbal abuse and sometimes physical abuse. The result - the message the person gets in their emotional brain (heart) - is to believe that I have no right to be alive.
COMBINATIONS: Suppose a family treats the youngest child as the 'baby' of the family and, therefore, without significant honour or respect. Then combine that with the school peers excluding and verbally abusing the child. This combination "shame curse" will be even stronger in the persons' life, even more deeply written in their heart.
A father (my father) had little time for children. He was such an intellectual and 'thinking' was held in such esteem that he did not esteem his children. Children couldn't think, so, in his mind, they are not worth his attention.
My father thereby sent a shame message. I can understand when my clients say; "Father would never really listen or take notice of me."
My dad also used to yell at me: "THINK, you stupid cluck!" His voice, his disdain, sent a shame message in my emotional brain. Such verbal abuse - name calling - by parents, peers or siblings deepens the shame message; strengthens the shame curse.
The life of one under a Shame Curse will express the curse and what we came to believe in childhood. For example, shame beliefs may sound like: "I deserve to be punished." "I am not good enough." "I'm a bad person." The person will have difficulty having good things happen in their life. They undermine success. They accept a poverty life.
How does one live out the feeling of not being good enough? At school this belief or lack of belief in oneself can keep one down. You under perform. Then, because you don't do well, you become afraid to try to build a life that is positive and happy.
The shame curse is like a message from those who should love you to life. Instead of a life-giving message they send a death message. Between the lines the shame messages are telling you to die, not live. Shaming is a death curse whose poison brings a person down and 'curses' them to less than the abundant life that Jesus brings.
I picture a small tribe. The witch doctor hates someone. Everyone joins with the witch doctor in 'pointing the finger' at the person subject to the shaman's dislike. The person sickens and dies.
Australian aboriginals "point the bone" and chant a curse. The whole tribe removes the right to life. "Bone pointing" is a method of execution used by the Aborigines. It is said to leave no trace, and never fails to kill its victim. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kurdaitcha
A curse is sometimes defined as "the invocation of supernatural power to inflict harm upon someone or something."
My definition of curse is much broader. In the Bible account of creation, God breathed His spirit into mankind to give us life. God's Spirit forms our spirit. Our (God given) spirit is the fundamental level of mind, self and consciousness.
Therefore any manifestation of our spirit has the potential to curse or bless. Jesus clued us in to the fact that hateful feelings are like a curse 'like murder.' Spoken words give breath to our thoughts (breath and spirit are closely related) and either blessing or curse.
For more about curses on this site: Introduction to Breaking Curses What is a curse? How to Break a Curse. Protection from Curses, inner-healing prayer for shame
For detailed discussion on my "HealMyLife" site: Types of Curses, Breaking Curses, Deliverance from Curses.
The Shame Curse is by © George Hartwell M.Sc. 2009, www.HealMyLife.com, Mississauga, Ontario, Canada. Phone (416) 234-1850. Long distance to enquire about professional services: 1 (877) 854-3990
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